Man rules

My best friend sent me an email today with the following humorous list of men's rules (the comments in blue are from me and are not directed to my husband, but to men in general):


These are our rules!  Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!  


1.   Men are NOT mind readers.  Well that's for sure.  You are also not listeners, even when I point to my mouth and say "watch my lips".  

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl.  If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.  Nope, not gonna happen.  If it's down and you don't notice, the worst thing that will happen is you'll pee all over the seat.  You can't hit the toilet most of the time anyway, so what's the difference.  If it's up and we don't notice it, we end up falling in and cold water on a warm butt in the middle of the night is not my idea of foreplay.

1. Sunday sports -- it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.  Fair enough.  There are things I like but know you don't, and I don't expect you to share them with me, so go ahead and enjoy your sports.

1. Crying is blackmail.  I agree.  On the other hand, I'm a female and I suffer from clinical depression, SAD and hormonal imbalances (I know, I just lost all the men at the word hormonal).  Sometimes I just cry.  I don't mean it as blackmail, I just can't help it.  Just hold me close and tell me you love me and everything will work out.

1. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one:  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!  Okay, but since you seldom actually hear what I say, how is that gonna help?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.  Sometimes, but not when I ask "how was your day", "where are you going", "who was that on the phone", "what time are we leaving", and believe me I can go on and on with questions that require some response other than Yes or No.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.  Again, I agree.  Men seem to be more direct and to the point, but it never hurts to show a little feeling in there at the same time.  The solution to the problem along with a hug will only mean more bonus points for you.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.  WRONG!  I'm not sure which of us has the longest and clearest memory, but if you can drag up the past, so can I.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.  I think I'm fat so I'm not about to ask you or anyone else for their opinion on that subject.

1. When you first wake up in the morning, wait 1 hour before discussing any issues.  Our minds are still re-booting and the "Hour Glass" is still turning.  Same goes for me, which by the way, is why I am up more than an hour before you each morning.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.  Of course you did (really, I believe that, of course I do, why would I lie), but depending upon our mood we may interpret it either way or both ways all at the same time.  

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.  Fair enough, if you will then stop telling me how to do things (usually without prompting).  To be perfectly honest, I'd be pleased if I asked you to do something and then discovered it had, in fact, been done.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.  I will, if you will stop trying to chat while I'm reading and stop interjecting comments into my telephone conversations (of which you have only heard one side) while I have a receiver covering one ear and a person talking in the other.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.  Christopher Columbus was looking for the Orient.  Enuf said.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.  That's mostly true, and some of you see only the three primary colors, black and white, and the three colors that are made when you mix the primary colors.  Which, in retrospect, might explain a whole lot of things about you guys. 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.  DON'T. GET. ME. STARTED.  This could go downhill very quickly. 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.  Then don't bother to ask, since you clearly don't want to know. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.  Other than rhetorical questions, I rarely ask anything of anyone unless I actually would like an answer.  I can't speak for other women, but in that case, you deserve what you get.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.... really.   Then why do I get "that" look, and the "you're not wearing that are you" question?

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football, Hunting, Fishing or having sex.  Yep, that pretty much covers the depth of your thoughts for most of you.

1. You have enough clothes.  Absolutely!  And your point is?

1. You have too many shoes.  Not I.  Many women do, but not I.  I hate shoes.  I may have too many pairs of flip flops but that's a totally different matter.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!  Which is why I say you need to be in better shape.  And truly the only reason I mention it is your health and the fact that I don't want to lose you.   However, since I am also round, this really isn't very often a topic.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that?  It's like camping.  We've had some hellatious misunderstandings over the years, but never once I have told you to sleep on the couch.    There are sooooo many other ways to get even.