Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Some people just deserve to be slapped upside of the head

Recently several of the blogs I read regularly have been listing the five celebrities they would most like to slap.  You can see these blogs here and here and here.  I used to have a really good grip on the world of celebritydom.  I had a subscription to People magazine for over 20 years.  When it first started arriving, I knew every star featured in the magazine.  Over the years, new faces started to show up, but I soon got to know them too.  Since I seldom watch TV and we don't get to the movies very much any more, the only way I kept up with these new kids on the block was by reading People.  Toward the end, I knew only about half of the people who were featured, but still it helped me to keep up with many of the people who make a living making fools of themselves in public.  About a year ago, my subscription expired and I didn't renew it because I was uncertain what our financial future was going to look like.  Over the years People has become pretty damn expensive, even by subscription.  So, I don't really know who the top buffoons are these days.  Maybe now that I know we aren't gonna be carted off to debtors' prison I just might renew my subscription. Anyway, some of the people on my list may not currently be assoholics, but they are still among my favorite idiots.  I've also picked 10 because I'm in a particularly snippy mood.  So, in no particular order:

Paris Hilton.  I'm still trying to figure out how she managed to get famous for being famous.  As near as I can tell this woman has no talent, no brains, and no concept of common decency.  I guess having a rich daddy (rather than a sugar daddy) is enough to get your mug in every scandal sheet in the world.  Oh, wait.  It isn't just her rich daddy, she really acts like a wench.  I understand there are two girls in the UK, Peaches Honeyblossom (known as Peaches) and Little Pixie (know as Pixie) Geldof, who are also famous simply because they are the daughters of Bob Geldof and Paula Yates.  I think I would join a nunnery if that was my only claim to fame.

Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian.  I know that's three people.  So, I hit a triple all in one family.  The women appear to be famous for having big asses, for getting pregnant with babies from well known sports stars (who mostly all deserve a slap of their own) and for making money for no apparent reason.  Like Paris, they have somehow managed to talk some fool at a television station into giving them a show.  I've never seen it (never saw Paris' show either), but somehow I can't imagine it being much more than a giant train wreck and a huge ego trip for this trio.

Mel Gibson.  Mel, oh Mel, oh Mel.  WTF happened to you?  You were Braveheart, you were Mad Max, you were Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon.  You played so many great roles, and you played them so well.  But, what are you now?  Maybe you've been this way all along and you were just playing the best role of your life until recently.  The tabloids go wild with stories every time you go wild with your life.  Drinking, abuse, antisemitism, the list goes on and on.  You have become a joke and not a very funny joke.  It is such a shame to watch you go to waste.
Justin Bieber.  Who?  Okay, I'll admit, I've never heard him sing.  I don't plan to ever hear him sing.  And, I am certainly not going to ever watch one of his videos.  The first time I saw a picture of him, I just wanted to get a comb and do something about that hair.  Is this kid famous because he has stupid hair? Are little tweensy girls really flipping out over this guy?  I want to slap him just because I can't believe he is really famous.

Charlie Sheen.  Here is another truly talented man who has run amok.  The talent in his family is astounding -- dad Martin and brother Emilio Estevez.  Seriously, Charlie!   Emilio had every opportunity to go wrong being a charter member of the Brat Pack and all, but did he?  No.  So what happened to you?  Some people just need to say no to alcohol and drugs and you are one of them.  Nothing good has ever come of your indulgences.  You are still an ingenious actor as evidenced in Two and a Half Men.  Get a clue before it is too late.

Lindsay Lohan.  I've seen a few of her movies.  I wasn't overly impressed with her acting ability, but when she was kid, she was cute and charming.  Then she grew up, and apparently with a lot of help from her mother, went absolutely bazonkers.  Is she straight?  Is she gay?  Who cares?  Does she drink too much?  Duh, have you seen very many pictures of her when she was vertical and didn't have a drink in her hand?  Does she do too many drugs?  I don't know.  Evidence would indicate she does, but you can't believe everything you read.  Lindsay, look at Drew Barrymore.  She was a child star.  She really headed down the wrong road.  She made her way back.  Look at that other blonde twit, Britney Spears.  As much as it pains me to say so, it appears she has cleaned up her act also.  So, Lindsay.  How about giving us one less starlet to gossip about?

Jesse James.  All I can say is man you screwed up.  Sandra Bullock is a class act.  She made you legit.  You are an idiot and I think you know that now.  What is it with all you guys who think fidelity doesn't apply to you?  I can't say I'm disappointed in you, because I was flabbergasted when Sandra chose you.  In my opinion, you just played true to form.  But you get my top award for dumbass.

Mariah Carey.  Put on some clothes.  Put on some clothes that actually fit.  I have never heard Mariah sing, though I have heard many people praise her voice.  I'm not a fan of pop music, but I would listen if it weren't for the fact that every time I think about Mariah Carey I want to find a Snuggie and make her put it on.  I'm tired of seeing parts of her body that I should never have to see.  In this picture, she is actually thin by comparison to most other pictures I've seen of her.  I have nothing against heavier people.  I'm one of those heavier people myself.  But for God's sake, please do not flaunt all that stuff all the time.

Well, there you have it.  Ten people I would like to just slap and then take by the shoulders and shake.  I honestly think they might have more sense after being shaken severely.  There are more "super stars" I could have picked, but these were the first 10 to come to my mind.  Who are your top ten?


  1. Brilliant, and I completely agree with all of your choices, although I have managed to shield myself from Beiber and the Kardashian's (for now).

  2. Hysterical!

    I don't need to write a list as yours is perfect.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog, I laughed out loud at your giant peach, how funny. We also had peaches, the fuzz in the factory was excruciatingly itchy.


  3. I absolutely love your list! I laughed so hard I cried and I really needed that, thank you! Mariah Carey now adays is pregnant so I don't think you will see her in anything skimpy anytime soon, that should make you feel better lol

  4. Oh, Rachel. If only that were true. Have you seen what some pregnant women wear these day? I've never been pregnant, but I can assure you, if I were I'd wear clothing made by Omar the Tent Maker. Pregnant celebrities today think nothing of letting the world know when their bellybutton goes from innie to outtie.

  5. ditto to your list... Wendy